


The Fourth Wall

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-08
Updated: 2007-01-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 05:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: What would happen if Draco got sick of his fanfiction life and contacted an author...?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer** \- I don't own them.  
 **Warnings** \- Crack!fic, Mary-Sue, bad language, yelling at Draco, no plot at all, kicks the fourth wall to pieces.

 

**A/N** \- I cannot express in words how much I hate writer's block. This is dedicated to anyone that ever had writer's block. It blows chunks, and you get all these stupid half-baked plots that you can't seem to write which have no relevance to the story you're trying to write (in my case _Bitten!_ \- go read it ;)! Please?) and make no sense but won't leave you alone and they come out really crappy…RAAAAAAAAA! Like this one…

 

Draco walked nervously down the street, checking the slip of paper with the address on every few steps. He disliked Muggle London, and the bright lights were making his eyes ache. Eventually he reached the place. Starbucks. He rolled his eyes; what on earth would she be doing in here, in the very embodiment of corporate evil? It couldn't possibly be the wonderful coffee goodness that just burst out of the place, could it? Stepping through the door, he spotted her almost instantly, then faltered. What if that wasn't her? She doesn't look at all like he imagined, and yet, she's wearing the Cliff Richard tee shirt. Draco sidled up to her nervously, and spoke in a low voice.

"Excuse me but are you…are you…SoftlySweetly?"

The woman did not take kindly to being interrupted, and she looked up, glaring at Draco through blue-green eyes.

"Yes, and you are Draco Malfoy, now what the fuck are you doing bugging me in Starbucks?"

"I uhm…are you really SoftlySweetly?"

"Yes. Am I not what you expected?"

"Well…Cliff Richard?"

"I figured there was no chance there'd be two of us wearing it, and I didn't want you to have trouble identifying me. Can you imagine the hell that would be kicked up if you approached someone who wasn't a part of the fanfiction world?"

"I guess…I imagined something a little more…uh…provocative."

"Strangely, Starbucks don't appreciate me showing up in my leathers and chains, it scares the blue-rinse brigade. I do have a normal life you know; commitments outside of writing your life. Now, you are breaking the fourth wall by being here, you broke it when you asked for a meet, and I bitterly regret agreeing. You know I could have my Muse confiscated for this?"

Draco sat down and took a sip of the woman's coffee, choking on it and swearing loudly.

"How much coffee?"

"Three extra shots. I'm having a bad day, OK? And considering some of the things you do to work out your rage, you're not exactly one to complain are you?"

"No, sorry…uhm…"

"Spit it out blondie, I have work to do, or did you think these text-books were light reading? I'm not Hermione!"

"No…no you're definitely not. Can you really lose your Muse for talking to me?"

"Draco, I'm in the middle of Starbucks having a conversation with a fictional character _someone else_ created! I run a high risk of being locked up!"

"OK, I'll…uhm…I'll make this quick. I just…well…it's not just you, you know, everyone does it. It's just…you all seem to write in a lot of kinky sex. And I just…Harry's getting a little hard to handle. You know, everything has to be preceded by spanking or voyeurism or fights, or has to involve bondage or submission or blood and I just…I need a break, OK? Harry's so intense, and I just need some time off. I guess…I guess I contacted you to ask you to start writing some normal, regular sex."

SoftlySweetly finished her coffee, watching Draco over the rim as she tried to push thoughts of handcuffs out of her mind. The blonde did look damn pretty in handcuffs after all…

"Uhm…you do know I can hear your thoughts, right? What with you being my writer and all."

"Really? Can you hear Jo's thoughts too?"

"Well…yes…"

"DOES HARRY DIE?"

When everyone had gone back to their coffees and stopped staring at the mad woman and the pretty blonde boy in the corner, Draco hissed at her.

"I can't tell you that, she'd kill me! Not just kill me off, I mean kill me completely, and that would spell the end of fanfiction as we know it!"

"Fine then. Spoilsport."

"Look, I'll talk to Jo, OK?"

"Thank you Draco! I love you!"

"Yeah, I'd picked up on that. So you'll write in some regular, normal sex for me, yeah?"

"Of course. You'd better go."

Draco was in such a hurry to leave that he didn't see the evil glint in SoftlySweetly's eyes…

 

 

**Two weeks, four days, three hours, twenty-nine minutes and fourteen seconds later…**

SoftlySweetly still had writer's block, and there were now six extra shots in her coffee. Plus she had made three children cry today, and the Starbucks attendant was cowering in a corner after inquiring whether six extra shots was healthy. Imagine her delight when Draco appeared, looking rather the worse for wear.

"I take it back! Stop it, stop writing right now! Stop typing on that laptop, damn you, vile woman!"

"I thought you wanted regular, normal sex?"

"No! It's…we never cum at the same time; sometimes we don't cum at all! And everything has to be done the hard way because as soon as either of us has a hard on we lose our ability to do magic, and it's messy and dull lying in the missionary position night after night and I want it to stop!"

SoftlySweetly smirked, and flipped her laptop closed, finishing her coffee and sending a threatening glare to the attendant, who knocked himself out cold rushing to refill her cup.

"Welcome to muggle sex. Repeat after me; SoftlySweetly knows best."

"SoftlySweetly knows best."

"Fanfiction authors know best."

"Fanfiction authors know best."

"I will not break the fourth wall ever again to complain about the fact I get more sex than most of humanity put together."

"I will not break the fourth wall ever again to complain about the fact I get more sex than most of humanity put together."

SoftlySweetly smiled, and scraped her hair back into a ponytail, absently picking at a bit of the picture motif that was coming away from her tee shirt.

"Right, I don't want to hear any more complaints from you, OK?"

"You won't, I promise."

"Did you speak to Jo?"

"She threw a copy of Order of the Phoenix at me and told me to tell you to be patient, and wait like the rest of the world, and that if you repeat your behaviour last year, elbowing children out of the way in WHSmiths at midnight so that you are the first to touch the new Harry Potter book, she'll ban fanfiction on the Harry Potter books just like Anne Rice."

SoftlySweetly gasped, and brushed away the tears that welled up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I won't be bad this book launch, I promise."

Draco was stunned to see the author so worried over a book, but then again, he knew how it was all going to end…

"Right, well, I'm meeting someone in a minute, so vamoose blondie, Harry's at home with a dildo and a bucking bronco, sound good?"

Sadly, SoftlySweetly's question was destined to be left unanswered as Draco had disapparated with drool hanging down his chin and his jeans strangely tented. Flipping her laptop back up, SoftlySweetly added four more words to the story before running the spell check.

Cock ring on Draco.

 

 

 

**A/N – so I wrote this like a week ago and I was in a really bad mood, but figured I might as well put it up to validate the half-hour I beat the keyboard violently to create it…**


End file.
